My sister was talking to her new boyfriend and finding out about his family.
Boyfriend “My parents are called Chris and Martin”
Reply “Hang on, which one’s your mum?”

As is common for a wedding our list of presents consisted of some household items, one of which was a large bin. Some friends got this amongst other things and wrote a card in which one of the friends said to write “No apologies for the rubbish present” The person writing the card put “No apologies for the s**t present.”

Whilst out with a friend in the rain she commented to me “Isn’t it strange? It always rains when I wear my rain coat.”

Whilst watching a program about the history of royal weddings they were talking about the wedding of Princess Elizabeth who went on to become the Queen. My sister in law walked in and said “Wow, Princess Elizabeth? Doesn’t she look a lot like the Queen.”

A friend on twitter was due to attend an eye test at Specsavers and tweeted that they requested the contact lenses in at least 4 hours before and given that his appointment was 9:15am that meant getting up at 5.
I replied to say surely he could take the lenses into Specsavers the night before, however it turns out they meant you are to be wearing your lenses from 4 hours before.
Makes much more sense.

I was told recently about two colleagues doing a bit of star gazing. One of them pointed out Mars as you could see it brightly lit in the sky to which the other one replied “Oh, do they have lights on Mars then?”

Ordering in Subway I asked for a footlong steak and cheese. The guy at the counter drops the steak onto the sub and looks and me and asks “Do you want cheese with that?”

A friend was laughing at his girlfriend who thought clay pigeons were real birds and then when he explained clay pigeon shooting was just clay discs she asked why people would want to fire clay discs at pigeons.

Recently I heard these two misinterpretations that friends of mine have said in church as kids. The first is “Thanks, Peter God” instead of “Thanks be to God” and “Harold be they name” instead of “Hallowed be thy name”

Watching the golf and Hazel Irvine commented on Henrik Stenson’s chances of winning saying a Scandinavian had never won the competition to which my friend said “ Scandinavian? I thought he was Swedish”.